Fifty Shades of Grey is an American Classic

Get over it, Fifty Shades of Grey THE MOVIE is an american classic. Go right now and buy it on Blue Ray and put it in the Internet Apocalypse bag because this is the quintessential american fairy tail. It tells the story of two stupid people noticing each other and having a very modern affair ending with a useless cliffhanger (because we know there’s two more books!). Modern in execution but classic in story. The reason it’s been so popular with women is not because of the whips and chains stuff. It’s all the other. The whole, “I’m too fucked up to be loved but I can’t stop ‘copter stalking you” feelings that we’ve all felt.

I recently viewed the film with a female who still somehow hangs out with me on the daily, despite my attempts at indoctrinating her to various fim universes. My love of marathons is something she puts up with from time to time so I compromised.

I thought it would be super nice of me to arrange a 50 Shades marathon. After watching the first one we decided maybe just watch the others later. It wasn’t that we weren’t enthused about Fifty Shades Freed, but rather the horny aftertaste Fifty Shades leaves in ones mouth, and the way that cliffhangery ending leaves you wondering “Will anyone ever have sex again?”

Having read the book I’ll say the interpretation is pretty spot on, if not improved dramatically. The book reads like a movie script so some light editing makes it easy to transition to screen I’m sure. There is more detail, sex-scenewise, in the book, but the general virginy sex vibe was conveyed well enough without bringing a full on porno to market.

But why would a beef eating, tool having, veteran admit that this is an american classic? I suppose we’d have to establish what a American Classic is. It’s basically anything that was wildly popular at sometime in america. I’m not setting the bar incredibly high but neither did the original Star Wars movie, or the first Terminator (that animation?) or Rocky (that acting). Ghost Busters? Ghost Busters????

When I think about how much I love Star Wars for instance: I love it most because it was a huge deal. It was everywhere. And I was like 5. Those carefree days of Saturday Morning Cartoons and cereal commercials. Oh and R2D2. Yeah we would pretend we were all Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader in our “tie-fighters”. I had Chewbacca pajamas. But get this. I never even saw the movies til I was 8! That’s 3 years of JUST HYPE before I even realized what the fuck I was talking about.

When I saw it. It was all at once. Three VHS tapes later and I was a changed man. Trilogies are common but it was a new concept upon first viewing Star Wars, and then I realized there were more trilogies! Indiana Jones? Ever hear of that one? Lord of the Rings? That one’s popular in America. Americans love trilogies and the fact that Fifty Shades of Grey is the first of three makes it already a contender for an american classic.

The actors are important parts of movies so let’s look at the highlights:

Dakota Johnson was a great choice for a role that may be beneath her. Before viewing I read a Vice review of Dakota’s chops and it turns out she’s not totally unknown, but somehow unproven. Her characters lack of depth doesn’t keep her from being appealing. She presents all the color of Anna and somehow makes the Anna that was in the book look like a real person and somehow have emotions. The story seems to swirl around Dakota as she tells us how it all makes her feel. 

The weird rich parents were the same cardboard cut-outs we’ve all come accustomed to as well as the younger brother with a wild side. The beloved roomate with all her rough edges. Annas character is the only one with a chance at some depth. She pretty much crushes it. Just saying.

Jamie Dornan was a good choice too given the fact that his character is a stone faced emotionless shitbag. I know the story calls for it but the guys lack of emotion is scary. People in movies who lack emotion: Hannibal Lecter, Marcel Wallace, even Darth Vader emoted through his mask! They are the center of the movie, but Christian is so cold and Grey that the audience looks to Anna to tell us how he feels. Because we don’t really care about Christian. We’re here for Anna.

The franchise is known for bringing kink to the mainstream but the heart of the story is very similar to many lives lived in america. I’m not saying that every girl meets her prince charming but  . . . don’t they? At least most at some point hope to. Don’t people fall in love and get married all the time. Don’t women fantasize about weddings, and babies, and vacations to the islands? Don’t a lot of them end up finding someone who blows their mind. Not many girls get to date a helicopter pilot but, but some do. Helicopters aren’t that uncommon. I’ve never taken a girl on a glider but I took one on a ferris wheel one time and it was enough to get her all giggly. Many women meet their prince charming. This wild and grandiose extreme captures the imagination and gets huge style points, especially the descriptions of all the luxury goods, probably the best writing in the book. Bloomberg covered the expensive goods in the movie here.

Anna’s predilection for romance passed down from her mother, and her virgin status, praised by Prince Christian, make her character very familiar. Like maybe a princess that’s been locked away, or maybe the daughter of the town inventor.

“Where have you been?” Christian wonders aloud over the roar of his erection.

“Waiting” her voice rang back, matching the urgency in his question

This also relates her to most women. All females were once a virgin. Some still are, but all were once.

This virgin (Anastasia) finally finds “the one” and has one night of fantasy sex with the prince in his castle before she notices that, everything is not like her english romance novels. The prince has a kink, but that could be anything with someone you love. A Star Trek kink, or a whisky kink, maybe even an emotionless dirtbag kink. Yes she loves him. He’s all fucked up and she loves him in spite of his flaws. Sounds like everyone I’ve ever met. You fall in love it’s amazing, you find out they’ve never seen Star Wars, or they love Alabama Football, or they wanna tie you up and spank you. Once you get all of Christians unbelievable (literally) wealth out of the way, he’s just a fucked up dude trying to do butt stuff with his girl.

Meanwhile Christian embodies the cold trappings of wealth. The heartless nature of capitalism and the effects on Christians heart are all concepts really, that could be discussed but aren’t. He blames it all on another woman. He was abused. It’s not his his fault he’s all fucked up! He was made this way. It’s pitiful really, how little substance Christian has. He lacks free will and succumbs only to the will of the women in his life. In return he gets to spank them? Okay. fine. He’s no Luke Skywalker.

The cinematography did interesting things with color. With a backdrop of dreary Seattle (I hear it’s actually quite nice), Christian Grey makes his millions atop his Grey tower filled with Grey people and gray shit. I shouldn’t have to spell it out for you. Anna exists in a world of color. All scenes without Anna are devoid of color. The scene where her mother calls from Georgia is all dusty faded yellows and browns even, as if the color had left long ago. The two-shots of Christian in Monochrome and Anna with her colorful blouse, lipstick, and careless hair during the interview scene. The famous glider scene when they both lit up the sky. He bought her a red car for christs sake! So she brings this color into his life but he only wants the red. If it’s not grey with this guy it’s red. I guess it’s animalistic and also a stop sign. You see Anna with this red all around. All these stop signs, all these signals saying “Stop girl! You shouldn’t do that!” but then we get to watch her systematically blow through all these stop signs in the best scene of the movie, and by all accounts the trilogy, which happens to be filmed almost completely in black and red. The famous contract scene where Anna negotiates the details of her sex slavery with her soon-to-be owner.

The Contract scene is tense and involves them both at an arranged business meeting and the room is dark and lit only with red light. As Anna deftly demands Christian “Strike it out” he manages to mimic a facade of disappointment, but he has perma-boner, so he does whatever she says. She’s still a free woman and she wields her power in this scene, only to give it up in the next.

At the very least this movie will live on in infamy because of the light nudity and some of the adult content and at the very least it’s proven Dakota Johnson a solid choice for bigger and better things. Like Star Wars movies and such. She could be some kind of space junky with a wookie kink or something.

Also the Soundtrack. Just download the playlist. I love the Weeknd so this was a slam dunk for me.

Fifty Shades of Grey is a classic the same way anything with Michael J. Fox or Matthew Broderick is an american classic. It’s a trilogy that my mom brings up at dinner. They sell 50 Shades of Grey Moscato at the liquor store. It’s a big deal, the way Star Wars and Back to the Future was a big deal, and no matter the lack of depth in the characters, the silly playroom scenes, and the general virginy vibe of the whole thing it’s still a better love story than Twilight.

@me on Twitter @redawn6969